I must have the look about me of a man bereft of salvation. People approach me, pitching this or that congregation, in parking lots, pizza parlors, pride parades… I’m not even safe on airplanes. It’s a good thing I carry my official Church of Subgenius membership card in my wallet.
— Jesus loves you! Follow Jesus! It’s the only way!
— No shit? Gee wiz, thanks for that information! I had no idea! And here I’ve been making sacrifices to Loki the Trickster! Boy do I feel stupid!
What exactly am I to gain from worshiping a God who had himself incarnated as a man to be tortured and killed? I am told that the mysterious and sadomasochistic ways of the Creator are not to be questioned, but then again, I was also told that Phantom Menace was going to be a great movie.
I can’t accept that anything I find confusing or contradictory is merely a test of my faith. Apply that sort of logic en masse and you end up with fun things like dark ages, inquisitions, holocausts, and Alabama. What sort of salvation is that?
Now, if you are Christian and you are still reading this, you’re probably thinking to yourself that I am referring to fundamentalism, that there’s some sort of difference between that and half-belief. Well, yes and no (but mostly no). Sure, it is really crazy to believe that Noah built an ark capable of holding two of every sexually reproducing creature on the planet (plus forty days worth of food and special climactic controls in the cabins to keep the penguins chilly and the kangaroos toasty), but it is also crazy to believe a man was executed and days later rose from the dead. What most half-believers never (want to) think about is that without zombie Jesus being true as tea, Christianity doesn’t work.
As much as I want to, I don’t believe in zombies.